So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
