Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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