I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
