I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
