this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
