Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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