Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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