george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
