if i can run in heels then i can drive
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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