Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
