last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
