I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize