neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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