Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Randomize
