I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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