life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
