I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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