Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
My breath smells like gin and sadness
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
