Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Randomize
