on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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