Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
