i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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