I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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