I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
