you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
