Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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