My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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