She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
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