dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
