you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
