my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
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