felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
