There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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