dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
