Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
