last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
