It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Randomize
