I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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