Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
