I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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