Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
