end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
