I can text with my tongue
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize