oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
