Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
