So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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