just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
