What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize