I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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