I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
