I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
