he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
