Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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