My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
