I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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