Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
