i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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