I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
