Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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