I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
