It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
